Marks of the Battle
by Moonbeam-987
Summary: "I'm not a bad kid. Sure I don't have the best grades and I can be a bit mouthy, but it's not like I'm going out every night, smoking, drinking, or trying to stab somebody." SLASH:KAMES! Rated T: abuse, self-harm, and probably more...
1. I'm Not Evil

Here is my first Kames story! Eeeeeep! I am soooo excited! I really hope you enjoy the first chapter:)  
>WARNING: abuse, self- harm, and probably a lot more...<p>

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR. If I did, Kendall and James would both be shirtless and all over each other... and I'm pretty sure that Nickelodeon would not let that slide...

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><p>I'm not a bad kid. Sure I don't have the best grades and I can be a bit mouthy, but it's not like I'm going out every night, smoking, drinking, or trying to stab somebody. I spend my nights with my best friend Kendall, doing homework and watching movies. Heck, I would say I was a great kid, but my dad doesn't see it that way. He thinks I was sent from the devil, himself, just to torture him. He is one of those Christians that go overboard with their religion. He believes that he can beat the evil out of his family, and that I am the one that has the most evil in them that he has ever met. But the thing is, I'm not evil. Or at least I don't think I am…<p>

Every night I come home to find my mother cowering in a corner of the living room and him standing over her, trying to get the 'evil spirits' out of her. Usually I try to protect her, he tells me I'm a demon-child, hits me a couple of times, and then we all go to bed; but tonight it's not the same.

I walked in the house and hung my jacket on the coat rack. I had been at Kendall's, the 'safe-place' as I like to call it, and I had lost track of time. I'm sure dad's not going to be too happy… As I walk in the living room, I am met with the same scene that plays out every night.

"James! Get in here now!" he bellows, and I am quickly at his side.

"Yes dad?"

"What is this?" when he turned around to look at me there was something wrong. There was something in his eyes that made me want to run away.

When he held up the bottle Jack Daniels I was momentarily confused until last night's events ran through my mind._ "Hey James. Can I hide this in here? You know how much your father doesn't like me to drink…" _Those are the exact words that left my mother's mouth as she hid the bottle of whiskey in my dresser. I dismissed it as it was a daily occurrence, and let her hide it. Ever since dad started beating us, mom turned to drinking as her way of coping, and dad didn't like it. So as I stood there looking at the bottle, I knew what I had to do.

"It's a bottle of whiskey."

"Is it yours?" I flinched a little, but kept my ground.

"Yes." I have to protect her.

Before I knew it I was on the ground and my dad was sitting on top of me, punching me square in the jaw. My eyes watered, but I didn't dare let a tear fall. That's what he wanted, because it showed mercy, but I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction. He continued to punch me in the face, and I swiftly pushed him off of me, stood up, and walked towards my room as he tried to regain his balance. I assumed like any other 'fights' we have, he would just let me leave, but as I walked down the hallway my head suddenly connected to the wall, and I could feel something wet running down my face. Turning around I saw my dad standing behind me with this sinister smile on his face.

"Jameys, if I have to, I will beat the evil out of you." He looked deranged.

Punching me in the stomach he chuckled. I fell to the ground trying to catch my breath as he walked over to the side-table and grabbed the glass vase sitting on it. Holding the vase above his head, he brought it down forcibly, and the glass shattered into my back. I felt every piece digging into my skin, and I knew I had to get away from him soon.

I started running. He already had found all the places I had hidden from him before, so I just ran to the nearest door. I quickly shut the door and turned the lock, and turning on the light I found that I was standing in the bathroom. Walking over to the mirror I was almost scared to see the damage that he had done. As my face flooded the mirror above the sink tears welled up in my eyes.

My tan skin was paled as blood gushed from my forehead, and my jaw was swollen in an unnatural, way turning purple. I slowly moved my hands over my face, trying to assess the damage, but was soon as my fingertips lightly touched my jaw I almost passed out from the pain. Turning around to look at my back I found that my white, V-necked t-shirt was soaking in the thick, red liquid that the glass had produced. I winced as I carefully plucked the bigger chunks of glass from my back, but I had to do it. There were still smaller piece logged into my skin to where I couldn't reach them, and I knew mom would have to help me get them out later. As I turned back around to look at my face, I tried to understand why my dad thought I was so evil; why he couldn't love me.

Before I knew it, I was rummaging through the draws for something forbidden. Just like how my mom had her drinking to run to, I had my razor. Sure I held it together in front of my dad and my mom, but behind closed, locked doors I would let the cold metal penetrate my tan skin, and let the blood flow down the drain. Pulling it out of the top drawer, I slowly brought the metal to my arm, but the door flew off the hinges before it made contact to the skin.

"Oh, so now you're one of those depressed kids that cut? You need to be ridded of this evil."

Pulling the razor from my hand, he quickly pinned my to the ground, holding my right arm out beside him. Putting his left knee on my wrist and his right one on my shoulder, I couldn't move as he started carving into my arm. My arm stung and I gasped out in pain as I could feel the metal digging deep into my skin. It wasn't the same as me cutting. I knew how deep was too deep, but my dad just kept pushing the razor deeper and deeper into my flesh. It felt like my arm was on fire, and I held my breath, trying not to move, thinking if I did it would only make the pain more unbearable. The pain was blinding as he put the last few cuts into my arm, and he stood up to look at his work with a smile upon his face.

"That should do it!" and with that he left me on the bathroom floor.

Looking over at my right arm all I could see was blood, and I knew I needed to get somewhere safe; I needed to get to Kendall. Slowly standing up I made my way to the front door and grabbed my coat, wrapping it carefully around me, before stepping out the door into the snow. Kendall's house was only down the road from mine, so I started walking, and with each step I took, I felt weaker. A trail of blood was forming behind me in the white snow, and I knew I had to get to Kendall fast.

Practically dragging myself up the steps to his house, I finally made it to the door. Banging on it with my left hand, I slumped against the doorframe and slid down to the ground. The door opened and I looked up to find Kendall with a quizzical look on his face as he didn't see anyone standing in front of him.

"K-Kendy…"

"J-James?" his voice cracked as he stared down at me.

"Help m-m-me."

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><p>I really hated doing that to James... I teared up while I was writing it. I hope you liked it!<p>

That review button is looking pretty sexy... JUMP ON IT;)


	2. It's For The Best

Ahhh! Here is another chapter! I couldn't wait any longer to put it up... I'm a very impatient person:)

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR... sadly:(

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><p>"<em>Help m-m-me."<em>

The words came out strangled. Kendall stood there for a second just staring at me until his instincts kicked in and he yelled for his mom to call 911. Putting his hands under my arms he pulled me into the house and propped me up against the staircase. Everything started blurring in front of me as Kendall pulled off his shirt and wrapped it tightly around my arm, putting as much pressure on it as he could. I could see his lips moving, but I couldn't hear his voice. Everything was warping together and I tried to keep my eyes open, but it was just too hard. As my eyes started to droop close I felt a rough hand connect with my face.

"James, I need you to stay awake. You can't go to sleep." the blonde's voice was full of worry.

"But… I'm so… tired."

"I know, but you have to stay awake until the ambulance gets here. You have to do it for me, ok?"

I nodded my head weakly and mustered up enough strength to focus my eyes on the boy sitting in front of me. His chest and his hands are covered in my blood as he tried to hold me together until the ambulance could get here. His mom came running down the hall with blankets in her tiny arms. Sitting down beside me she started to wrap them around me, but she was having trouble keeping me still long enough. My body convulsed with shivers, and she tried her best to swaddle the blankets around me.

"Here Kendall." She handed him a jacket and he threw it on over his blood stained chest.

I laid there trying to stay awake, but I could feel that I was losing the battle. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I mean, God wouldn't put me through all of this just to let me live, right? If my dad saw the evil in me, then maybe God did too and he is trying to rid me from this world. As I could feel my eyelids drooping down again, all I could think about was Kendall.

He was the reason that I made it this long. If it wasn't for him, being there to let me cry on his shoulder for all of these years, then I would have given up a long time ago. He knew how my dad felt about me and he had seen all of the bruises and the scars that marred my tan skin; he knew everything. I spent all of my time away from home with him, and in a way he has formed into my own guardian angel. He is the safest place, he is home. I love him. I have known for about a year now but I didn't want to tell him and it scare him away. I needed him.

The battle was coming to an end, and I knew I had to tell him before it was too late. With the last ounce of energy I had I moved my hand to rest on top of his that was pushing down on my right arm. Looking down at me, his emerald eyes were swimming.

"I-I love you K-Kendall, and I-I'm gonna be o-ok." I barely whispered, but he heard me.

"I love you too James and you're going to make it. You have to." He placed a kiss to my forehead and my eyes involuntarily fluttered shut.

"I-I'm not going to make it… n-not afraid of d-dying… f-for best." My sentences were losing form as my eyelid pulled over my eyes and everything went dark. The last thing I heard were the sirens of the ambulance approaching the house and the loud sobs of the boy I love.

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><p><em>There will be a lot of things that I will miss from this life. <em>

_I will miss the winter mornings Kendall, Carlos, Logan, and I would spend outside having snowball fights, the summer days that we would go swimming at the lake, movie nights with Kendall... I will miss hockey, school, my friends, Carlos, Logan… but most of all I will miss him._

_He has been my guardian angel for so long, and he has never left my side, so I plan on doing the same for him. I will always be there with him, being his guardian angel. Even if I am evil and I don't become an angel, I will still hold it to myself to protect him. _

_I'm not sure what is supposed to happen next, but I am ready to move on to where ever I am supposed to go. I didn't like the feeling of being weightless, just being there. I needed to move on to be with Kendall, but nothing is happening. Shouldn't there be a bright light I'm supposed to walk into? It's just dark, nothing but still air surrounding me. _

_A tiny light formed in the corner of my eye and I faced towards it. This is it. I am dead, and I am moving on to the afterlife. Slowly walking into the blinding light, I squinted trying to see what was through it to no avail. Here we go…_

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><p>"Mr. Diamond, can you hear me?" an unknown voice asked.<p>

My eye lids were being pulled open, having a bright light flashed across them. I weakly pushed the light way and mumbled. My eyes slowly adjusted to the room around me and my nose was filled with the smell of overly clean air. As I tried to sit up I was pushed back down by a grey-headed man wearing a white coat.

"I need you to stay laying down Mr. Diamond."

"W-where's Kendall? Where is he?" I practically yelled as I tried to sit back up.

"I'm right here." I calmed down an immeasurable amount when I was met with emerald eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pain shot up my back. Holding my breath, I just held on to him tighter, not wanting to let him go. He practically had to pry me off him so the doctor could finish his inspection of my injuries. Looking down at myself I saw that I was all bandaged up and was feeling absolutely terrible.

The doctor poked and prodded at my skin, checking every bruise and every cut. Then he reached for my right arm and I flinched away. Giving me an "I'm a doctor, and you have to do what I say" look, I unwillingly let him start unwrapping the gauze on my arm. I tried not to look down at it, but I couldn't keep my eyes from gravitating towards my injured arm as he removed the last bit of gauze. I gasped as he pulled back the white cloth and turned my head away. The memory of my dad hovering over me with the razor in his hand overtook my senses and it felt like I was back there. My body tensed up and I started to shake, and I felt a reassuring hand rubbing my back.

"Hey, hey. It's ok. You're ok." I looked up at Kendall and he was smiling down at me.

I gave a small smile back. Looking back down at my arm made me nauseous and made anger boil inside of me. My whole arm was red and swollen, but that is not what brought on the on slot of emotions; it's what was carved into it. In big letters stretching across my arm read** I AM EVIL**. The letters had been stitched up and I knew I was going to be carrying this scar around with me for the rest of my life. I tried to hold back the tears, but they fell down my face without consent. I was gently pulled into Kendall's arms and I broke down, sobbing into his red flannel shirt. I could feel him rubbing my back gently and he placed a kiss on my cheek as he pulled me closer to him.

I finally calmed down after a few moments, laid back down on the bed, and saw that the doctor had left. My head raced as I tried to figure everything out. I looked towards Kendall and it was like he could read my mind.

"You've been unconscious for a week," he looked down at his hands and then back up at me, "They had to revive you three times… They almost g-gave up the s-second t-t-time." Kendall's face twisted up in pain as I scooted over and patted the space beside me. I wrapped my arms carefully around him and he snuggled into my chest as he cried.

"I-I almost lost you J-James…"

"Shh… it's ok, I'm here now, and I'm not leaving you."

His sobs turned into small little hiccups and then he was completely calm, resting in my arms. I knew that this question would probably send him back into a crying fit, but I needed to know what happened after I passed out. I needed to know if my dad got locked up, or if he had hurt my mom; I just felt like I needed to know everything.

"Kendall…"

"Yeah?"

"What happened after I passed out?"

"Well, the ambulance finally got there, and you had lost so much blood that they said you would die on the way to the hospital if you didn't get blood in you soon. They asked me my blood type and I was a match for you, so the whole ride to the hospital they pumped my blood into you."

"You saved me…" I was in awe. He really was sent here from heaven to protect me.

"I guess you could say that. Anyways the cops got here right after you were wheeled into surgery to fix one of the tendons in your arm and to get the rest of the glass out of you back. I told them everything James… I told them how this has been going on for years and that this was the worst of all. Please don't be mad at me." his bottom lip quivered and I cupped his face in my hand.

"I'm not mad. I'm happy that you did. Did they lock him up? Is my mom ok?" at my last question Kendall's face faltered and tears welled up in his eyes again.

"Y-your mom is d-dead… h-he killed her."

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><p>Oh I am crying like a baby, and I am the one writing it! So the whole Kendall loves James thing was a little blurred in this chapter, but next chapter it will be put in the spot light! I hope you liked it:)<p>

Click the _pretty, pretty_ review button! Ahahaha!


	3. I'm Fine

I'm just going to come out and say it... This is probably the worst thing I have ever written in my life. I have been having some serious writer's block, and I had the idea for this chaper, but it came out all choppy and it makes absolutely no sense. But I was thinking if I posted this than maybe I could get past my writer's block and give you an amazing chapter 4. Here's hoping...

Disclaimer: Really? No.

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><p>"<em>You killed me James." My mom stood in front of me, blood seeping out of holes in her skin.<em>

"_N-n-no…" I stuttered out as she got closer and closer to me._

"_Yes you did. You left me there with your father. He got mad and didn't have you to beat, so he took it out on me." _

"_M-mom… please stop…" I muttered as I slid to the floor._

"_You killed me James!"_

Opening my eyes I found that I was still in my hospital bed. Panting, I looked around for Kendall, but he wasn't sitting beside me like he was when I fell asleep. All the lights were off and I had a feeling that someone was in the room with me, lurking in the shadows. Sitting up, I pulled my knees up to my chest and brought the blanket up to my chin. The feeling of someone standing in the room didn't go away, and I know you usually yell "NO!" when the main character of a movie asks questions into the dark unknown, but I had to know who was there.

"H-hello?" my voice shook with fear, and I prayed that nobody would respond.

_Hello James._

"Wh-who's there?"

_Nobody really._

"What do you mean?"

_Don't worry about it now. We will have plenty of time in the future to get to know each other._

"What are you talking about? Who are you?"

The voice didn't respond and I became terrified. Pulling the blanket over my head, I laid on the bed in the fetal-position. My eye lids shut tight, I started to pray to anyone who was listening, hoping this was just a bad dream. A clicking sound made my eyes snap open and footsteps approached my bed. I stopped breathing completely and my mind flashed back to one of the many times that my dad beat me. What if it's him? What if he broke out of jail and has come to kill me like he did mom? A hand rested on the blanket around me and I pulled it closer around me. The hand started to try to pull the covers off me, but I held on tighter. The hand just pulled harder and harder. I started to scream. I don't know where the shrill cries of terror came from inside of me, but there was no way of keeping them in.

"James! James! It's me, Kendall!"

Ripping the blanket off my head, there he was standing beside my bed looking down at me confused. I almost jumped out of bed and into his arms, sobbing. Pain radiated through my body as I wrapped my arms around his neck, but my grip didn't loosen. Sitting down on the bed with me, he lightly rubbed my back and tried to talk me down, but there was a loud rumbling in my ears and I could barely hear him. Soon I calmed down and Kendall pulled away from me so he could look at me. Placing each of his hands on both of my shoulders, I could tell he was worried about me.

"What's wrong?"

"There w-was someone in h-h-here with me K-Kendy!"

"James, there was no one in here. I walked outside of the door for two seconds to talk to my mom, and there was nobody in here when I left and no one came in when I left…"

"But there was someone here!"

"Jamie," he grabbed my face in-between his hands, locking his gaze with mine, "I need you to calm down. If you don't, then they are going to put you back to sleep. Can you calm down for me?"

I nodded my head feebly and collapsed into Kendall, the adrenaline rush leaving my body weak. My head pounded as I tried to figure out who the hell I was talking to. I mean, Kendall said there was no one in the room when he left, and there was no one when he left… That makes no sense at all. I was talking to someone! They were talking back to me! There is no way I was imagining this voice, right? No, I'm not crazy…

Sure I have had a few mental breakdowns in the past few hours and they have had to sedate me twice, but what do you expect from a teen who almost died and just lost their mom? I wouldn't expect them to be running through a field of daisies all happy-smiley like nothing ever happened! Especially with the police barging into their room five minutes after they have woken up, giving gory details about finding said mother… I mean really?

They found her in the basement. Her body covered in blood, she had approximately fifty stab wounds and her skull was cracked open. I haven't seen the body, but I can just picture what she looked like laying on the cold basement floor; her tan skin, pale and caked with blood as her eyes are closed, never to open again. The smell of blood and death probably lingered in the air after they moved the body, and a piece of my heart left in the basement.

I closed my eyes and pulled Kendall close to me as hot tears started to run down my face. The tears soon turned into sobs and I completely collapsed into him. His arms wrapped around me tightly, and I felt like he was the only thing keeping me from falling apart; the glue holding all of my broken pieces together. After what felt like hours of crying, and Kendall's shirt being completely drenched with my tears, I calmed down enough to where I could sit up by myself.

"I'm sorry about that…" I wiped at the tears on my face.

"It's ok to cry. Never apologize for that."

I gave him a small smile and he smiled back instantly. It felt awkward to smile. With all the emotions running around in my head I wasn't sure which one I should follow. I wanted to cry over my mother's death, but then I wanted to jump for joy that my dad was finally behind bars. I wanted to kiss Kendall since he told me he loved me, but I feel like that wouldn't be the right thing. Why can't things just make sense?

"Are you hungry?"

"A tiny bit." I lied. It felt like I could puke at any second, but I knew he would force me to eat.

"Why don't I go get us some lunch?"

"Sounds good." He got up and walked to the door, but turned around.

"Oh, Logan said that he was going to come visit in a little bit."

"Okeydokey. I love you."

"Love you too buddy." And with that he was out the door.

Wait. Did he just say "love you too_ buddy_?" No, he couldn't have. Cause if he did, then that means that he doesn't love me like I love him…

_Well of course he doesn't love you like you love him. Who could love someone like you? All broken and falling apart._

"Who the hell are you?"

_Let's just call me a friend._

"What do you want?"

_I'm just here to talk James; I don't want anything from you._

"Really?"

_Yes really._

"You really don't think that he loves me?"

_How could he? Look at yourself! You're an orphan who has mental breakdowns every hour or so._

"He does love me, I know he does."

_Just keep lying to yourself._

"Shut up!" my eyes started to water.

_See, you break down at the smallest things._

"I've been through a lot…"

_Lame excuse. Man up and maybe he will love you back._

"Maybe… I can't think about this right now."

"Hey man, who are you talking to?" I looked towards the door and saw Logan walking in with a vase full of flowers.

"Oh, uh… just myself." I ran my fingers threw my hair, a headache starting to build.

"How are you feeling today?" I just stared at him, trying to figure out how I was feeling, because to be honest, I have no earthly idea. "Oh… man I'm sorry. That's the worst question to ask. Sorry."

"It's ok. I'm doing ok, considering the circumstances."

"That's good to hear. Where do you want me to put these?" he asked his eyes moving down to the flowers in his hand.

"Umm… just put them over by the window."

Logan walked over to window ceil and sat the flowers down before moving to the chair that Kendall's body usually occupied. We sat there in silence for a while, just looking around the room. I couldn't take it anymore, and an idea popped into my head. Logan is the smartest person in our group…

"I have a question."

"Ok. What is it?" he leaned up in his chair, putting on his serious I'm-super-smart face.

"Well… umm… there is this_ person_ that I like. Actually, I think I might love them…"

"Go on."

"I told this person that I love them, but they said something besides 'I love you' back to me."

"Oh, I see. You think this _person_ doesn't hold the same feelings as you do."

"Pretty much."

"Well, have you talked to them about how you feel?" he asked leaning on the edge of his chair.

"No."

"Maybe you should. I think Kend- I mean this person might actually have feelings for you also."

"Wait! How did you know it was Kendall?"

"Oh good grief! It's so obvious that you two should be together!"

"Apparently not to him…"

"Just give him some time, and talk to him about it."

"I'm back." Kendall said as he opened the door with a big brown bag in his hands, hidden behind his back.

"I better get home. My mom needs me to shovel the walkway." Logan leaned over me and gave me a hug and whispered, "Good luck."

"But I just got here!" Kendall whined.

"I know, but I promised my mom."

I nodded my head as he hugged Kendall and made his way out the door. Kendall gave me a strange look and then sat the brow bag on the bed beside my legs. Plopping down into the chair beside the bed, he opened the bag to reveal my favorite food; hamburgers from the dinner down the road from my house. My eyes widened and a small smile creeped across my face, but then a memory flashed across my eyes and I could feel the pressure of tears threatening to roll down my face.

It was the last place I had eaten with my mom. The tears leaked from my eyes and Kendall was by my side in a matter of seconds pulling me into his arms.

"What's wrong Jamie?" that's the second time today that he has had to ask me that… Maybe that voice is right.

"I-It's n-n-nothing." I stuttered out, deciding that I needed to quit being a baby so Kendall would love me.

"You can tell me."

"No," I wiped the tears from my face and grabbed one of the hamburgers, "I'm fine."

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><p>Ugh... This chapter was excruciatingly painful to write. I hope you don't give up on this story because of it.<p>

Review?


	4. It Should Be Me

Well, I'm supposed to be at volleyball practice, but I'm injured now and I can't play for like two weeks:( So instead I am sitting here updating my stories:) This chapter isn't the best, but I'm going to try to make it up next chapter! Hope you like it!

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><p>My fingers numbly tied the black tie around my neck. Looking into the mirror in the hospital bathroom attached to my room, I saw a pale, skinny boy. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days, and he looked to be on the edge of a mental breakdown. Turning my back to the boy, I left him behind me as I walked into my hospital room. Walking over to the bed I sat down and started to put on my shoes. As I tied my left shoe, Kendall walked in dressed in his own black suit.<p>

The black suit made his pale skin contrast in a way that it almost glowed. The bags under his emerald eyes stood out under his bushy eyebrows and a frown tugged at the corners of his mouth. He didn't want to do this as much as I did. Walking over, he sat beside me on the bed and put a hand on my back, rubbing circles over my white button up shirt. Turning to look at him I could see the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes.

"Please… don't cry." My voice came out monotone and strangled. I haven't cried in a whole twenty-four hours, and I am not about to anytime soon. The voice was right; I was being too much of a baby.

"I'm sorry James. You're being so strong… I'm sorry." He laid his head on my shoulders and I could feel his shuddering against me. "I j-just wish we didn't h-h-have to do this t-today. I w-wish that we could at least hold it off until you are out of the hospital."

"They can't preserve her body for another two weeks, and she didn't want to be cremated so there is no other option."

"Yeah, I know." He wiped his eyes and pulled away from me.

Logan, Carlos, Katie, and Momma Knight all walked in the door and crowded around the bed and started asking me how I was. Usually I would love all of the attention, but not this kind. They all looked exactly like Kendall; like they had been crying for hours, and sleep deprived.

"I'm fine." I finally said, wanting them just to all be quiet. A headache was building and they weren't helping. "Can we just go ahead and get this over with?"

"Sure sweetheart." Momma Knight gave me a weird look, but gave me a small smile.

Standing up, I pulled on my black jacket and we all made our way out the door. The doctors are letting me go to my mother's funeral, but right after I have to be back here. The drive to the church was the longest ride in my life. The sun was shining bright through the window of the car but I felt so cold. Soon we got to the church and a swarm of people crowded the car.

"Who are these people?" I asked eyeing the people outside of the door.

"Paparazzi." Kendall answered flatly, "They've been here since seven."

"Why are they here?"

"They're covering your story…"

My blood boiled. How could they do that? I just lost my mom and they want to attack me for an interview? Seriously? Hell no. I'm not giving them anything.

"Let's go."

"Are you sure James? We can wait for the police to get here to escort us." Momma Knight suggested but I just shook my head.

Pushing open the door of the car, knocking a few people the ground, I quickly maneuvered through all of the microphones and cameras. They were shouting questions in my ears and I felt like stopping and punching them each in the face, but resisted the urge as I climbed the stairs to the church. Opening the door, there were a few people sitting in the pews waiting for the funeral start. A casket was sitting in the front. It was a pearly-pink color and an arrangement of white roses sat on the top. My eyes started to water as my breathing hitched. I closed my eyes and tried to stop the tears, but it didn't work.

I can't do this…

_Come on James. You can stay strong._

No I can't. It's too hard.

_You need to for Kendall. You still want him, don't you?_

Yes, but I can't keep it together with my mom laying there dead.

_Quit being a cry-baby and suck it up!_

Just leave me alone.

_No James. I'm here to help you, and I am going to whether you like it or not._

The voice got deeper and my eyes flew open. It sounded just like my dad. Pain shot through my head and I doubled over on the floor, pressing my palms to my forehead as I gripped at my hair. Everyone was at my side in an instant, but their words were lost in the loud laughter ringing in my head. I could feel people patting my back and trying to pry my hands out of my hair, but it was of no use. The pain radiated through my head and it felt like it was going to explode. I think I screamed, but the roar of laughter even blocked that out.

"Stop! Stop! STOP!" it was quiet and the pain reseeded as I looked up to see at least ten faces looking down at me.

"James, are you ok?"

"Y-yeah Kendall, I'm f-fine."

"Maybe you should sit down…"

"O-ok."

Kendall helped me up off of the floor and everyone was staring at me. We sat down on the closest pew to me and he wrapped an arm around me as the people that were standing around me dispersed. Pulling my head into my hands, I rubbed my eyes, trying to get the memory of my father laughing out of my head.

"What was that back there Jamie?"

"Just a really bad headache… I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" he grabbed my face gently and made me look at him.

"Yes."

His eyes softened and he leaned up, placing a kiss on my forehead. My eyes fluttered shut and I leaned into him. I'm still not sure where he stands after the whole _love you too buddy_ thing, but I am happy just to have him like this rather than not having him at all.

"The funeral should be starting soon. Do you wanna go to our seats?"

"Sure."

As we got up I realized that there are at least fifty more people crowding into the church. Kendall took my hand in his and my heart started to do summersaults. Sure he was probably only doing it for support, but it made me feel like maybe one day I could be happy again.

We took our seats and waited. Kendall's thumb rubbed across my knuckles and I placed my head on his shoulder, hoping that there was some way to stop time. To get away from here and just be with him until I was ready to face this, but the preacher stomped on that dream as he made his way to the front of the church and opened in prayer.

The funeral was lengthy, but what else would you expect from my mother? It felt like fifty people made their way to the front of the church and gave thirty minute speeches. The whole time Kendall held my hand, and I could feel him every once in a while look over at me and analyze my face.

He was worried. I'm sure later he will corner me and ask me what happened earlier with me having a fit on the floor. I would never tell him though. He would think I was a total nut-job if I told him that I was talking to voices in my head. He would leave me. I can't go through that.

As the funeral ended we made our way to the cemetery. Walking over to the plot where my mom was to be buried we passed all of my relatives' graves. The only other family members I have had die were my great-grandparents. They all died in their sleep of old age, but here was my mother, thirty-nine years old and being put in the ground beside them. It's not fair. But my life has never been fair, why should I expect this to be any different?

Watching my mom being lowered into the ground will be something that will always stick in my mind. No matter how many sleeping pills I take, no matter if I try to overdose, or how much I drink will never get the memory out of my mind.

It should be me being buried instead of her.

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><p>Review?<p> 


	5. I Would Like To Find Out

A/N: Hello! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Umm... well this is the shortest chapter and I am not very happy with it. I've had a lot of stuff come up; had to quit volleyball, school drama(school hasn't even started and I've already got drama), and the fact that I think I might be falling for my bestfriend that has no feelings like that for me. Junior year is not starting out good at all... :( Anywho, I might end up deleting this story, because I feel like it isn't my best... I don't know. Please leave reviews and let me know how you feel about this story, they are very much apart of my decision!

Disclaimer: We all know I don't own a single thing...

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><p><em>Four weeks since my dad attacked me. Three weeks since I woke up in the hospital. Two weeks since my mom's funeral. One week since the voice has become a daily occurrence.<em>

I guess you could say I'm a wreck. I'm keeping it together for the most part in front of everyone, but when they leave the hospital and Kendall falls asleep on the hospital couch, I cry my eyes out. The voice yells at me and tells me to suck it up, but it only makes me cry more. And the fact that I am still in the hospital for no reason what-so-ever, isn't making things better.

I don't want to be crazy. Hearing voices is a sure sign of being crazy, and I am scared out of my mind. I just need a time machine and I could fix all of this, but I'm sure no one has one just lying around.

"James?" Kendall stirred on the couch and rubbed his eyes, looking at the clock on the wall.

"Yeah."

"What are you doing awake? It's four-fifty."

"I couldn't sleep…"

"Well why didn't you wake me up? I could have kept you company." He got up and moved to the chair beside my bed.

"You needed to sleep."

"You also need to sleep…"

"I know, but I just… can't. Every time I close my eyes I see my dad coming after me with a knife." My voice came out cool like it was an everyday occurrence to have that kind of dream.

"Maybe we could ask the doctor if he could proscribe you some sleeping pills?"

_Don't agree to that. Sleeping pills are for the weak._

"Nah, I don't need any."

_Good James. You're getting stronger!_

"Oh, ok…"

"You can go back to sleep if you want."

"Eh, I'm wide awake now. What do you want to do?"

I saw a deck of cards sitting on the table beside my bed and picked them up with a smirk. Kendall is terrible at card games. I waved the deck in front of his face and his bottom lip jutted out.

"Come on James! You know I suck at card games."

"That's the point!" it was strange… was I actually feeling happy?

"Fine… What do you want to play?"

"We'll play Go Fish. It's the easiest, and anyone can play it. Even you can!"

"Ha-ha-ha. You are _so_ funny."

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><p>"Kendall! You're cheating!" he sat across from me on my bed, cards hiding under his leg.<p>

"I am not! I'm just playing with excellent strategies!"

"You little liar!"

"That's your opinion." He smiled at me and I just had to smile back.

"I quit!"

"So I win! Whooo whooooo! _Happay dance!_" he proceeded to get up and do his ridiculous little dance.

"Wow! Your first card game to win in your lifetime! Congratulations!"

"Oh you are just J.E.A.L.O.U.S!" he spelled out the word while he turned and shook his butt at me. This is why I love this boy…

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever you say Kendall."

"Don't be upset Jamie! We can play again and I'll let you win."

"Nah, let's do something else."

"Well then let's just talk. It feels like we haven't talked in forever."

"Kendall, you have spent the past four weeks with me in the hospital… I think we have talked a lot."

"Yeah, but not like how we used to before all of this happened. I feel like I don't even know you anymore…" his face fell and I instantly felt guilty. I don't even know who I am anymore.

"Hey, I'm still the same ole' James that you have known all of your life." I lied, opening my arms and gesturing for him to come into the hug. "Come here." He crawled over my legs and I wrapped my arms around his body.

Maybe keeping all of my feelings inside, and not talking to him about all of this isn't such a good idea.

_James, you are naïve…_

What do you mean?

_Him acting like this means it is working._

I don't think that is true… he seems really upset that I am acting the way I am.

_That is the whole point! Don't you see how much he needs you now? _

But shouldn't it be the other way around? You know, him comforting me?

_You are so picky! I can see why he never wanted you before._

Shut up!

_That's why he said 'love you too buddy'_

No!

_He will never love you. You are a lost cause._

Oh yeah?

"Kendall?"

"Hmph-" he was cut off by my lips crashing into his. He was unresponsive under my needing lips. I finally pulled way and he stared at me wide eyed.

"W-what was that?"

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have done that." I let go of him and pulled my hands into my lap.

"James… that wa-"

"Sorry." I mumbled and looked up to Kendall.

"It's ok."

"Really?"

"Honestly, I don't know…"

"What do you mean?" I leaned forward, confused.

"Before all of this I just thought of you as my best friend, but after I alm- I almost lost you and you said you loved me… I'm just confused."

"I understand." I looked down into my lap, feelings of rejection coursing through my body.

He placed his hands on top of mine and my head automatically rose to where I was looking into his beautiful eyes. He leaned in and pressed a light kiss to my lips and then pulled back with a small smile gracing his lips.

"I don't know if it is love, but I would like to find out."

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><p>AN:Well, I had to put a little fluff after the burial:)  
>Remember to review and tell me what you think!<p> 


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